


A Recording

by misomilk



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Bearded Steve Rogers, Canon Rewrite, Civil War, Fix-It, Fluff, Happy Ending, M/M, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, Pining, Post-Canon Fix-It, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Pre-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-18
Updated: 2020-11-19
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:34:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27617711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misomilk/pseuds/misomilk
Summary: PROMPT: Somehow, a voice clipping of Tony breaking down about Steve Rogers makes the news, and Steve is both enraged by the invasion of privacy and guiltily hopeful about his previously thought to be unrequited pining.
Relationships: Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Comments: 13
Kudos: 56
Collections: 2020 Captain America/Iron Man Holiday Exchange





	1. Steve

**Author's Note:**

  * For [venusiaries](https://archiveofourown.org/users/venusiaries/gifts).



> Hi! Just to explain, the main story is the first chapter, and then I added some little extra tidbits in the second chapter that flesh out some things I couldn't really delve into in the main story. I hope you enjoy this little thing I wrote for you. I tried to mix in as many of the things I think you'd enjoy as I could. Happy reading~!

Steve had just come back from his morning jog across the Wakandan outskirts when he’d heard the news. Different TV channels spun the news in different ways. “Stark Industries Security Hack”, “World’s Most Secure Program: Broken”, “Romance Within the Avengers”, “Tony Stark, Gay?” Steve was undoubtedly upset on Tony’s behalf. Absolutely so. This was a huge breach of privacy. Tony’s typically strong, unapologetic voice strung vulnerable with every word in the recording that’s been played over and over, ripped to pieces and analyzed within the few hours it’s gotten leaked.

“I miss you, Steve. I miss you so much, bud. I should’ve been nicer when you were still here. The way I feel about you…”

Yet he couldn’t deny the rush of happiness that overcame him, knowing that Tony spoke about  _ him _ , specifically.  _ Steve _ , he’d said, with so hushed a voice you wouldn’t realize you’d made sense of it until you did. Such weakness, such heartfelt longing. Tony had been so crippled with sadness, with loneliness, and yet in that moment of frailty, he thought of Steve. Was he really so desperate to hope that that meant the feelings he’d tried to keep hidden all these years could possibly be returned? That the animosity that had grown between them could flower into something less ugly? (Yes.)

It was no wonder then that when T’Challa had to go back to the Avengers compound that weekend, a complete three days since the incident (and the news still blared on every channel, Tony still refusing to make an official statement), he wanted to go with him, even if it meant he’d go against Natasha’s advice.

“Stay here, Steve.” She told him the day of the incident, eyes stern. She’s always looked out for him. He wouldn’t know what to do without her. “Don’t make this any more complicated than it already is.”

And with the same persistence he’d told her “I can’t.” he stepped onto the Black Panther’s jet, heading towards upstate New York.

***

“You are still wanted at large, Captain.” T’Challa told him as he handed him a virtual mask to conceal his identity, which, as was explained to him, made it look like he wasn’t wearing a mask at all. It stuck to his very skin. “Please, do not take off the mask. No matter what.”

Steve nodded, yet T’Challa repeated his words.

“No. Matter. What.”

“I understand,” Steve spoke just as the jet’s entrance opened. They made their way out.

With months having passed since he was last here, Steve would’ve thought everything would feel foreign now. Yet he made his way to Tony’s lab as if it were second nature. He snuck his way towards it, not sure how staff would react when they find a stranger walking around the compound as if they’ve been here for years. It was helpful when he found a box of scrap metal along one of the corridors, using it to hide his face.

Once he took the last turn towards the lab, his breath got caught in his throat. Tony. It really was Tony, standing there, in his tank top and lounge pants, chest glowing triangular blue, tinkering with his tools like usual. Tony, in the flesh, for the first time since Siberia. (No. Don’t think about it. Don’t think about how hurt you were.)

Tony looked tired. Way back when, before their friendship got twisted, torn and tossed, Tony looked fiery with passion whenever he was in the lab. Not even half of that spark was in Tony’s eyes right now… How many days has he gone without sleeping? How long since he’d eaten a decent meal? Or was it the loneliness that tugged at its heart, at the rest of his body, until it dried up and blinked out like a light?

Only then did Tony look up, noticing him at the doorway. His instinct was to run away, but he held still, knowing Tony wouldn’t know who he was.

“Can I help you?” Tony looked back at his newest toy, tinkering here and there to make it work. 

“Materials.” Steve managed to respond. He placed the box on the empty space, which required him to walk a little further into the lab, a few steps closer to Tony. “For your project. Sir.”

Tony raised his eyebrow at him, which thankfully still had the same pointedness as it did before. But then Steve began to grow nervous as Tony eyed him like he was figuring him out, who he was, since when he was employed, what his story was. Steve knew Tony knew all his employees by face at the very least, and if he’d worn his glasses, he knew Friday would’ve pointed out his real identity. “What’s your name? I don’t think I’ve seen you around before.”

“Stevens. I started working today. Pleased to meet you, sir.” 

Perhaps true to Tony’s credit as a genius, or his paranoid self leaking out, Tony began to reach for his glasses which were on the table behind him. A normal new employee wouldn’t have realized what he was doing, but Steve did. So before Tony could put the glasses on, Steve lifted the mask off his face, hopefully in a less embarrassing way than he felt he did.

The look on Tony’s face. The shock in his eyes, the quivering of his lips, the flush in his cheeks. Man, Steve wanted to kiss him. (Could he? If Tony missed him just as much as he did?)

“Tony… I--”

“What-- are you  _ doing _ here?” Tony hurriedly walked past him, shutting the door. He moved so fast, Steve shut up in surprise. “Friday, activate Lips Sealed Protocol for me, would you? And keep things off the record for the next few minutes.”

“Sure, boss.”

The glass windows of the lab grew tinted, and the red light on security cameras faded out. He supposed maybe that meant Friday wasn’t listening in, too? He wasn’t sure, but being in this private space with Tony was making him feel more nervous than he initially was.

“Steve,” Tony exhaled, hands on his waist, and shook his head in disbelief. He walked back towards Steve as he spoke. “What are you doing here? You shouldn’t be here. You shouldn’t-- How did you even get here?”

“I came to see you.” Steve looked into the other’s beautiful chestnut eyes, sparkling with more life than it did moments ago. It only made him hope more. “I…” Steve swallowed, knowing he had to choose his words wisely. “I heard.”

Tony’s eyes grew wider than he’d ever see the go. Tony took a step back, which twisted Steve’s heart. He didn’t think that would happen. “So… you know.”

“Tony,” Steve stepped forward. And Tony stepped away again. Another twinge in his chest. No, this wasn’t supposed to happen. Wasn’t this the part they would admit to each other their feelings, and they would bridge the rift that had grown between them? Tony liked him. And he liked Tony, too. It should be as simple as that. “Tony, please don’t--”

“Is that why you’re here? Flew from whichever continent you’re hiding so you could  _ pity _ me?”

Steve shook his head, chin tucked close to his neck, absolutely dumbfounded. “What? No, Tony, I came here to--”

“To laugh at me then? To mock me? You better be creative because every channel’s already thought of every possible way to place this situation I’m in.” After which Tony began to list off every horrible headline, which just made Steve’s head ache.

Steve shouted to cut Tony off, exasperated. “Will you just listen to me?!”   
  
“No!! No, god, no.” Tony pointed at him, finger shaking, just as his voice was. “This is the absolute  _ worst _ thing that could happen. Security threat? Leaked recordings? Sure, I can deal with those. I’m used to the press burning my name. I would’ve let the news crews eat it up and let it die weeks later. At least then I had the reassurance that you didn’t have to hear about this. And yet, you  _ did _ , and you just  _ had _ to drag my worst nightmare right to my doorstep.”

Steve breathed through clenched teeth, nose flaring, eyes growing hot from tears that were begging to be shed. No, it wasn’t supposed to be like this. “Do you really think so little of me?”

“I don’t know.” Tony deflated, like all that shouting just now had already tired him out, when he used to be able to bicker with him for hours on end. 

Wakanda had wonderful sceneries, both urban and rural. And Steve got to do all his hero work, albeit in secret. He got to do all he wanted to do. Steve’s world post-Accords (or non-Accords) was kind to him. But maybe that wasn’t the case for Tony. He looked bruised, battered, lifeless.

Maybe confessing to Tony wasn’t what he needed right now.

Maybe it was the wrong idea all along.

“I’m sorry,” was all Steve could say.

“If you’re really sorry, just get out of here, Rogers.” Tony sighed, like he was giving up, leaning onto the desk beside him, head hanging low. “I don’t want to have to snitch on you.”

Steve walked towards Tony, making the other look up towards him. Steve’s heart hurt from how sad Tony looked, how sullen. His hand crept up to the other’s cheek before he could notice it himself, rubbing his thumb across the other’s cheek for a moment that he wished would stretch on forever. Just him and Tony, staring into each other’s eyes, no words, no heated shouting. Just them being them. 

Steve could have kissed him.

But instead he walked away with the mask back on his face.

***

Several months passed. Long enough that Steve had grown what Natasha dubbed a ‘depression beard’. He wasn’t depressed. Just heartbroken. Learning the love of his life could feel the same way about him should’ve meant they would now be cuddling, and dating, and dancing in the moonlight, yet that couldn’t be further away from the truth.

So instead of lurking in his dark room, or weeping about it to Bucky at his farm (which he did the first few weeks), Steve chose to move on with life, proceed with his missions. Which is what brought him to New York City that fine winter day, following a lead about a drug broker. He just wished they had to do this a different time, and not when Christmas carols were playing in every store, decors up along the streets, couples taking pictures left and right. Steve wished he was back in his room, enjoying solitude (No, Natasha. Not depressed.) rather than be out here being reminded of what he wished he could share with the love of his life.

With an hour to spare before their target heads out of a building, Steve decided to get one of those limited edition Christmas drinks that Tony liked. Tony would buy the Avengers these drinks every Christmas, and though Steve wasn’t keen on them at first, he grew to love them. He was even majorly disappointed when his favorite flavor wasn’t on the list that one year. But garnering from the poster posted outside the shop, it must be back again. With a smile on his face, he entered the shop, the bell ringing after him, settling into the back of the line.

Before the bell stopped ringing, Steve saw him, standing at the left end of the counters, waiting for his drink. Steve didn’t even know how he knew it was him, when no else seemed to notice that Tony Stark was in their presence. Tony’s beautiful eyes were out for the world to see instead of hidden away by dark sunglasses, no glowing triangle at his chest, and he dressed in no way similar to the way he normally dresses. He was in a hooded jacket, with a beanie. And god, did he look so adorable, Steve’s heart clenched at how cute he was.

How could this be? Out of all the Starbucks shops in Manhattan, they ended up in the same one? Was it fate? Was this finally his chance to bring forth what could be?

But then the image of his last exchange with Tony sparked in his mind. So did the guilt, and the sorrow. He looked away, pretending to tap at his phone just as Tony passed him. If he were feeling a little more hopeful, he’d say their eyes met for a mere moment. But Steve didn’t want to hope. It was already pried out of his chest months ago by the very person he longed for.

Steve ordered and received his drink, and then he headed out, hoping for a quick walk in Central Park as he finished his coffee. The bell rang as he headed out of the shop, holding the door for a pregnant lady heading inside.

“I see the nomad life has been treating you well.”

Steve almost dropped his coffee when he heard the voice from behind him. He turned around, letting go of the door, to see adorable eyes marked by the longest lashes he’s ever seen on a man looking up at him, an unmistakable smirk gracing his lips. Tony. Breathing, full of vigor, much less tired-looking than he last saw him.

_ Tony. _

“I’m getting by alright.” Steve smiled. He couldn’t help it, couldn’t keep it from growing into a grin. It’s so good to see Tony like this, not like his world was crumbling. “You look good.”

“Do I?” Tony smirked, which was then hidden behind the coffee cup as he drank from it for a bit. Steve was relieved the smirk was still there as the cup was dropped back down. “Thank you very much.”

Steve was at a loss for words. It’s Tony. Really, Tony. And he couldn’t stop thinking that. It was like he was falling for him all over again. Maybe it was the Christmas cheer all around them. Maybe it was the sip of coffee he’d had. Or maybe it really was just Tony. And the fact that he’s not chasing him away right now, or moving away from him.

“Walk with me?” Tony shrugged his one shoulder. “If you want.”

Of course, he did.

***

The walk was much quieter than Steve was expecting. For one, one never would expect Tony Stark to actually shut up. He would always be rambling about something, for better or worse, except when he was tinkering at his lab. Yet Steve couldn’t help but admire how he looked as he sipped his coffee.

“What are you thinking?” Steve dared ask.

Tony laughed softly. A magical sound. (Steve’s heart is falling and falling and falling.) “How Captain America has a beard now.”

Steve rolled his eyes. “Tony…”

“What made you do it?” Tony squinted his eyes, looking amused. “Ever wanted to copy mine?” Tony angled his head left and right so Steve could have a good look at it, as if he hadn’t spent years wishing he could run his thumb across that beard.

It was Steve’s turn to laugh. “No, I don’t think I could ever pull that off. And well, I don’t think I had a particular reason growing it out. Natasha likes calling it a depression beard, though.”

Tony raised a brow, pointed as always. “Depression beard? How come?”

_ This is the absolute worst thing that could happen. _ tugged at Steve’s chest, making him wince from the literal chest pain. Stupid memories. “It’s nothing. She just likes to joke.”

“Hmm,” Tony nodded, as if understanding, but he can still see the curiosity in his eyes. Steve knew that giving him the true answer wouldn’t be a good idea. Not when Tony was feeling so much better, and has clearly moved on.

Moved on. Has he? Moved on? For his feelings for Steve? That sent another pang in his chest. There’s just no winning Tony Stark, is there? Not after Steve left him the way he did, artificial heart broken, in the cold, on the floor after basically beating him up. Back then Steve felt like he was doing the right thing, fighting for what the world needed, but with how lonely he’s felt ever since, he was no longer sure he chose the right move.

“Are you in town for long?” Tony asked, breaking Steve’s thoughts.

“Not too long. We’re just here to do some-- some things. In--” He checked his watch. His heart fell, knowing he only had so little time with Tony left. “In 20.”

“Things. Gotcha. Not gonna ask more than that.” Tony winked. Actually  _ winked. _ Steve may have died right there.

“So I...should probably go.” Steve smiled, not as wide as he did before. His heart hurt in all the wrong places. Tony was good at that. Maybe Steve really did grow a depression beard. “It really was nice seeing you, Tony.”

“Wait,” Tony held onto his arm before Steve could fully turn away. Steve looked back at him, at those gorgeous eyes, and pink lips that were begging to be kissed. He’d taste like coffee right now. He leaned in, hoping, but he pulled away quicker.

Tony’s moved on now. He wouldn’t want a kiss from him. “Yes?”

For the first time since he saw him again, Tony looked unsure, unsteady, nervous. “Would you… come back to the compound tonight?”

***

Steve wasn’t sure how he got Natasha to agree to leave him in New York. They’d caught their criminal, sent him to the Black Panther to make it seem like he’d caught him, and were supposed to fly back to Wakanda.

“I just want to enjoy the sights a little more.” Steve lied, which he knew Natasha could tell. Just as well as Sam could. They were both smirking that smirk that meant  _ We know what you’re up to, Steve. _

“Just don’t break any hearts.” She hugged him, then walked backwards up the steps to the jet. “Including yours.”

“Thanks. I think.” Steve smiled right back. “Be back tomorrow to pick me up?”

“Don’t ask me. I’m off tomorrow.”

“Nat…”

“I’ll pick you up, no worries, Cap.” Sam clapped his back. “And good luck? I guess? Whatever it is you’re doing.”

***

Steve walked back to the Starbucks he’d seen Tony, and just as promised, he was there waiting for him, with another cup of his favorite Christmas drink which Tony handed to him. Steve was already feeling giddy at the fact he was seeing Tony again, and having Tony buy him this drink just as he had for the past many Christmases just made Steve’s stomach drop, warm and fuzzy with all the feelings he had for Tony.

Which then begged the question -- why did Tony invite him to stay over at the compound? What changed since the time he last spoke to him, when he chased him away? Has he so successfully moved on that he was now ready to repair the damage their friendship has taken?

Ouch. All this time since Tony had invited him over, Steve had let himself become optimistic, but perhaps he shouldn’t have. His mood so obviously shifted that Tony kept looking at him for the past ten minutes, despite keeping his eyes on the road. 

“Okay, what’s wrong, buddy? You’re freaking me out. Did I get your order wrong?”

“No, no, you got it right.” Steve offered a smile, though Tony wasn’t looking. “Thank you.”

“You’ve only thanked me like a dozen times. And just so you’re wondering, you’re still welcome.”

“Thank you.”

Tony snorted at that, a soft rumble, genuine. Steve allowed himself to look at Tony then, looking so handsome even as he did a simple thing as driving a car.

“How have things been at the compound?” Steve asked, stupidly, mentally slapping himself in the head.

“Oh, you know. Same old, same old. Vision still walks through walls, even more so without Wanda to tell him not to.” Tony shook his head. “Rhodey drops by from time to time, and well, that’s pretty much it. Just plenty of rooms with no one to stay in them. That’s what the compound’s like now.”

The way Tony said that as if it didn’t mean anything, when he knew it meant so much, had Steve feeling sorry. But before he could apologize, Tony spoke.

“You can stay in your old room, by the way.” Tony smirked Steve’s way for a brief moment.

“I’m surprised you didn’t just tear down everyone’s rooms and, I dunno, turned it all into a lab.” Steve said, though he didn’t mean it. He said it because it’s what anyone else would say. But to him, it was just like Tony to keep the rooms there, waiting for the day they’ll be filled again.

The rest of the drive went smoothly just like that, jabbing at each other with jokes they didn’t mean. It was light, and felt just like they went back to the days before everything fell apart. Though he didn’t say anything to seem like it, he was getting emotional from this. Just spending time with Tony like there was nothing wrong in the world. He would give anything for this moment to stretch on.

“Dinner’s at the dining area in 10.” Tony told him before Steve could go back into his room. “I’ve got the chef heating up food for us right now.”

“You had the chef make us food?”   
  
“Well, yeah, what else would we have for dinner?” Tony shrugged, as if it was all a matter of fact.

Then again, Steve shouldn’t be surprised. It wasn’t like food magically appeared at their table every day back when they all lived here.

Steve turned the door to his room, half-expecting cobwebs and dust littering the place. But as soon as he’d opened the door, the room looked spotlessly clean. He looked around, picture frames still remained on his desk--ones of the Avengers goofing about. The plant he kept at his window was taller now, but still alive and well. That’s when he realized, his room was just as he had left it the day when everything fell apart. The sheets looked newly washed and made. Had Tony been making the cleaning staff clean his room all this time? Or just for tonight…?

He decided to check every room. Wanda’s. Natasha’s. Sam’s.

It was all as it were, as if they were still here.

Tony kept it all the same. He could have cleaned them out, burned their things, painful reminders of people who betrayed him, but he kept them all. Steve wanted to cry. But even more so, his heart was so full of love, he couldn’t keep it to himself anymore.

Tony was standing by the table, talking to someone on the phone when Steve found him.

“Alright. Thank you. Bye.” Tony turned to him with a smile. “Ready to ea--- What...?”

Steve wrapped his arms around Tony, holding him close, soft, warm, safe. Tony.  _ Tony. _

“Steve? What’s wr--”

“I love you.” Steve spoke so softly, cherishing every syllable, meaning every letter. “I love you so much, Tony. I don’t know what to do with myself.” Steve pulled away so he could cup Tony’s cheeks in his hands, running his thumbs across his cheeks. Tears were softly falling down Steve’s cheeks now. “I love you so much. I can’t explain just how much.”

Surprise, doubt, and uncertainty flashed through Tony’s eyes. “What do you-- What are you-- What?”

“I love you.” Steve looked directly into Tony’s beautiful eyes. “And I know you may have moved on from your feelings for me, but, I just-- I had to say it, Tony. You’re so selfless and sentimental, and yet you never want anyone to see it. But I do. I see you.”

“You’re lying…” Tony whispered, spoken with disbelief.

“I’m not.” Steve ran his fingers through Tony’s hair, just as he dreamed he would. “You don’t know how hard it is for me not to kiss you right now.”

“Then kiss me,” Tony dared, with a matching glint in his eyes. “Prove it.”

There wasn’t much space between their lips left. It was easy to bridge their lips together, pressing softly with so much affection it made Steve’s chest ache. His heart soared, yet sank with the weight of just how much he loved this person in his arms. He never wanted to let him go. He pushed away thoughts of leaving tomorrow morning when it was much easier to fall into the feeling of Tony’s tongue brushing against his, soft yet rough, so demanding yet eager to be set at Steve’s pace. So much like Tony.

He pulled away just when the lack of air was getting too much. He bridged their foreheads together, looking into Tony’s eyes. “I love you.” He couldn’t stop saying it.

“I know, I know.” Tony rolled his eyes, but he pulled Steve closer by the neck. “I… maybe, possibly, just a fraction of absolute, have feelings for you, too.”

Steve couldn’t keep his smile from happening, even if he wanted to. “Just a fraction, huh?”

“A teeny, tiny bit.” Tony smirked, and then Steve was kissing him again, over and over until dinner was forgotten, and their clothes laid across the floor and sticky substances dried on their stomachs. 

“I don’t want to go back tomorrow…” Steve was in Tony’s arms, cuddling on the sofa, covered with a blanket that Vision kindly brought out to them when he caught them doing lewd things to each other.

Tony pressed a kiss to his cheek. “Then don’t. Stay here. With me.”

“You know I can’t… The Accords…”

“Have been amended.”

Steve blinked in surprise then turned his head to Tony, eyes furrowed in confusion. “What?”

“You better appreciate it.” Tony spoke as if puffing his chest. “I only hired a little over a dozen international lawyers for this. You’re welcome.”

“The Accords are amended, you mean, we can--”

“Do whatever it is you’re doing in hiding. But no longer in hiding. Or stay in hiding, if you wish to, I won’t stop you.”

Steve let that sink in. “Tony…” God, he loved him. He loved Tony Stark so much.

“It’s what I invited you today for. To celebrate.” Tony smiled at him softly, tugging tufts of hair behind his ear. “Good thing Nat didn’t spill the beans.”

“Nat knows??”

“Of course, she does. Who do you think had me help you into getting info about that drug guy, whatever his name was.”

Steve’s eyebrows shot right up. “ _ You _ were helping us?”

“Well, to be more accurate, Friday was helping you. I was busy talking to the dozen lawyers I hired so you can come back here to live with me. Weren’t you listening?” 

“Tony…” Steve turned over so he could kiss Tony on the lips some more. “I love you so much.”

“You could stand to say it more often.” Tony smirked against his kisses, and he looked so handsome, Steve knew he was going to die of a heart attack one day, despite the serum. “Come back and live here with me?”

Steve smiled, beaming, happy. This was all that he’d ever wanted and more. “I thought you’d never ask.”

*** END ***

-Extra-

“So, your calculations turned out correct, didn’t they, Friday?”

“Clearly, Vision. Leaking that recording led to Mr. Stark and Captain Rogers participating in coitus.”

“He was a wreck for a few weeks, may I remind you.”

“But look at him now. They’re finally together. Happy as can be.”


	2. Tony

Tony sat in the middle of Steve’s room, as he did every night since the day things fell apart. He had come in here that night to tear it all down, the photos, Steve’s clothes, everything. He was so furious, enraged, angry. Above all, broken-hearted.

He was so in love with Steve. He was  _ so _ in love with Steve. And just when he was thinking the soldier might be feeling the same way about him, just when he was about to confess and see if they saw eye to eye, the Accords and the Winter Soldier came along and destroyed whatever they had.

Tony laughed, broken, tears running down his cheeks as it dawned on him for the nth time how empty the room was without Steve. How empty the compound was without him.

“I hate you, you know? I hate you  _ so _ much.” Tony took another sip of bourbon, flipping and un-flipping the phone Steve had given him. He’d sworn off alcohol, but Steve’s not here to tell him it wasn’t good for him. Steve’s not here.

Steve will never be back here.

“And yet I miss you so much…” He whispered into the darkness, letting go of the phone to sob into one hand. Tears streamed down his face, onto his fingers, onto his palm. He was so empty, so lonely and only had alcohol to fill him. “I miss you, Steve. I miss you so much, bud. I should’ve been nicer when you were still here. The way I feel about you… God… The way I feel about you...” His sobs wracked his body so powerfully, he could not stop his breath from hitching. “I wish I could’ve told you. How much you mean to me… How much I love you. But you’re gone now…” He wiped his eyes with the back of his hands. “Why did you choose him, Steve? Why…”

This was how Tony spent most nights. Sitting in Steve’s room, wishing and wishing and wishing he was back here with him.

***

It was during one of his lonely nights that it came to him.

Why not amend the Accords? That way, Steve could come back.

It was a moment of mania, probably. Tony should have thought about it more before he rang Pepper to hire the most capable lawyers that can be found local and internationally.

It was a crazy idea. But he had the money to do it.

***

Pepper had called him at six in the morning that day, but he just ignored it. He could listen to more details about lawyers and such things later, when sleep wasn’t in his eyes. Right now it felt much better to keep burying his body onto his soft mattress.

But at quarter to seven, she came charging into his room anyway.

“Tony, whatever you do, don’t turn on the news.”

“Hmmkay…” He turned and tried to sleep a little more, but the sound of her heels clacking against the floor kept him awake. He sighed and sat up, seeing Pepper on the phone with someone. Or maybe two? Is she holding up two phones? He wiped his eyes. “Okay, I’m up. What’s up?”

“Nothing. Nothing, I have it all under control.”

Even sleep muddled, Tony knew that meant nothing was under control, what with the way Pepper’s voice shook. Pepper was strong. Nothing could shake her. Unless something extremely terrible had happened.

“Friday, be a dear, and switch the TV on for me, would you?”

“Yes, boss.”

“Tony, no--”

A television screen appeared from the ceiling, playing the news as it descended from its hiding place. ‘ _ -recording of superhero, Tony Stark, has leaked to media outlets this morning. The source remains unconfirmed, yet audio analysts have been trying to confirm if the voice is a complete match to Tony Stark’s, or edited to sound like him. _ ’

Tony’s eyebrows shot up, the woman now talking about a possible breach of Stark Industries security. He toned it all out. “A voice recording?” He looked at Pepper. “How?”

“I don’t know, Tony.” Pepper sighed, shrugging her shoulders in defeat. She didn’t even have make up on. That’s how caught off-guard she was by all this. “I’ve been making calls left and right and no one knows how it got leaked.”

“What recording is it? It’s not me singing in the shower, is it? Though, I think I--” Tony yawned. “--sound particularly amazing in the--”

“ _ I miss you, Steve. _ ”

Tony’s heart stopped. No. No, no, no. This can’t be. Of all things. Of all situations.  _ This? _ This can’t--

_ No. _

“ _ The way I feel about you… _ ”

“Turn off the TV.”

“Got it, boss.”

Tony sat there, wide-eyed, jaw-dropped, utterly speechless. He couldn’t find the words, or the feelings, to express what was going through his mind right then. Friday always records conversations. Someone hacked into Friday? His feelings… out in the open.

Pepper sat beside him, a pitying look on her face. She held his hand. “I’m so sorry, Tony.”

“It’s alright.” It wasn’t. But he had to pretend it was. “Just means I gotta double security on Friday.”

Pepper continued to stare at him, her eyes making him feel so utterly pathetic. “Are you okay?”

“Me? Yeah. Never better.” He swallowed, then looked away. “I’m not holding any press conferences about this.”

“Sure.”

“I’m not making any statements either.”

“Alright.”

“Just let them make of this whatever they want to, and I-- will go back to sleep.”

Pepper smoothened his blanket over him once he’s laid back down. He felt her hand on his arm for a long while, before she finally relented and said, “Okay, Tony.” Then she left him to be with his own thoughts.

At least one thing he liked about Steve being nowhere near him at this moment is that he wouldn’t have to face him after having his feelings bared in such a way. If Steve were here, Tony wouldn’t have a face to save.

He pleaded to God, the gods, whichever superior being he could call onto, that whichever continent Steve was hiding right now, let it be that he didn’t hear about this embarrassing piece of news.

***

Things were  _ not _ going as planned. Tony figured it would be so simple to hire the best of lawyers and have them work on the Accords amendments just as he’d wanted. But each lawyer was trying to outsmart the other, clawing each other down.

A team made of the best might not be the best sometimes. It reminded him of simpler times. Of him and Steve, all dares and challenges, neither of them backing down.  _ Put on the suit. _ Steve had told him then.

Yet as easy as it was for them to hate each other, it was just as easy for them to work  _ together _ a few moments later. They kept the helicarrier from falling to the ground, and Tony had feelings start burgeoning in ways they probably shouldn’t have.

He was thinking about these things while tinkering with things at the lab when  _ Stevens _ came in, poking at his wounds to make him feel even worse. It was a relief to see him, really. But it was heartaching as well. Tony didn’t like seeing the ultimate reminder that his feelings, which the whole world knew about, would forever be unreturned. He collapsed onto his work table once Steve left him that day, sobbing over one Steve Rogers as always, full of regret. 

Tony hadn’t meant to lash at him so terribly. He wished he’d listened to what Steve had to say. But finding out Steve knew about his feelings for him, he immediately panicked, which led to dysfunctional coping mechanisms to kick in, and that led him to push away anyone and everyone near him, which meant pushing away Steve.

What was he supposed to do?

Say whatever he said on the recording, just for Steve to hear it in the flesh, and embarrass himself even further? Dig his own grave deeper?

Tony didn’t mind the lawyers for a while. Didn’t talk to them for a week or two. He wasn’t sure anymore if he wanted the Accords amended and have Steve back in his life.

***

As it turned out, giving lawyers the cold shoulder made them work twice as hard so that the right progress could be made. That, or having your heart bared to the public through a leaked recording.

They’ve given an outline of changes to be made, and they’ll be working on the specifics in the next few months. Pepper, ever the clever girl, handled talks while Tony tried to deal with the situation he’ll have to face once this all goes through.

He’s going to have to meet Steve again. After how terribly he’d treated him.

Then again, he’d treated him worse before. And Steve’s treated  _ him _ worse. (Steve left him in a stinging cold, abandoned facility in Siberia for his ex-boyfriend. Possibly current boyfriend. But Tony didn’t want to think about that.) So Tony thought they were totally on equal footing now.

When months had passed, the lawyers were at their final drafts, and Tony had been in the midst of finalizing new outfits and tech for his soon again to be fellow Avengers, a text from an unknown number arrived on his phone.

_ Hey. You still a pain in the ass? _

_ Jk. _

_ Need info. _

_ Text me back. _

With an unknown number, the sender could’ve been anyone. But no one else could get through Tony’s blocking program aside from a certain Black Widow.

_ A pain in the ass? Weak insult coming from you. _

_ What do u need? _

***

Tony wasn’t sure about following Natasha’s suggestion that day. But though she probably hated his guts, he knew she didn’t hate him enough to break his heart a second time. Which is how he ended up in New York City that afternoon. Otherwise he would’ve holed up in his lab, making more gadgets. She told him  _ he _ would be here. So here he was, grabbing that Starbucks drink he’d always buy for Steve during the holidays, hoping he would cross paths with him.

Honestly, Tony wasn’t sure if he was ready to see Steve again. Their last conversation still stung his chest whenever he remembered, but he was so ready to move on. Move on from not talking, from not seeing each other, from not being the friends they used to be.

More than how scared he was of embarrassing himself for the rest of his life, Tony just wanted Steve  _ back. _ He slipped his hand into his pocket, touching the flip phone he still kept with him at all times. Should he call him now? But they’re gonna be on a mission soon, he shouldn’t disturb him, should he?

Once Tony got his drink, he turned to make his way to Central Park. But before he could exit the store, he locked eyes with certain blue orbs he’d never mistake anywhere. Strange, that the eyes came paired with a full-grown beard. That’s new. (And hot.) Tony decided to stay outside, wait for him, see if it really was Steve.

God, when Steve held the door out for a pregnant woman and a few couples heading into the store, Tony wanted to kiss him right then. This god blessed fool, with a heart so big he wore it on his sleeves.

“I see the nomad life has been treating you well.”

When Steve turned around, looking even more handsome than he’d ever seen him, making Tony fall harder for him, Tony was sure he was never letting this man go ever again.

***

Three knocks against the lab’s glass door had Tony looking up from his work, the smile pulling at his lips automatic. “Hey, love.”

“Hey,” Steve entered the lab, two mugs in hand, wearing one of the ugliest Christmas sweaters Tony has ever seen (and bought), yet Steve still looked so handsome. Tony wondered if it had anything to do with his beard, which he (thankfully) still hasn’t shaved away, though weeks had passed since they finally reunited and got together. It scraped lightly against his own beard whenever they kissed, just like now, but somehow Tony loved that feeling. “What are you up to?”

“Just updating the magnets for your shield.” Tony puckered his lips one more time so Steve would lean down and kiss him. Steve did. It made his lips tingle, and his stomach twirl. “Gotta make sure you don’t end up getting stuck to any type of metal you come across.”

“Right.” Steve stood between Tony’s open legs, Tony’s arms wrapped around him. They stared into each other’s eyes. There’s been a lot of that lately, staring, silence stretching until they start kissing again. “I got you some hot chocolate.”

“Hmmm, yum. With peppermint marshmallows?”

“Of course.”

“My fave.”

“I know.” Steve leaned down this time without Tony prompting him, their lips pressing softly. “How much longer until you’re done?”

“A few hours, tops?”

Steve pouted. Adorable. How did Tony end up getting so lucky? “How about I rephrase that to, how much longer until I can get you out of this lab and in bed with me?”

That had Tony snickering. “Love, you know I love you serenading me to your bed, but I have a mug of hot chocolate to finish first.”

“Your priorities are a mess.”

“I know. And yet you love me.”

“I do.” Steve smiled at him so softly, Tony didn’t know what to do with himself. His heart soared, and his stomach kept twirling in pleasant circles. If this was how his everyday was going to be from then on, Tony didn’t mind living another hundred years.

“Fine, you got me. I’ll drink the hot chocolate in your room. While we watch some Christmas flicks?” Tony stood up on his tip toes and kissed Steve’s lips, arms around his neck. “Home Alone?”

“Sounds like a plan, Tony. Lead the way?”


End file.
